It's sometimes hard to know when to step in and when to step back as a step-parent. Many experts recognize that the more successful step-parents approach the situation like a favorite aunt/uncle, coach, or teacher; someone with limited authority and influence but who can provide instruction and guidance. "My house, my rules" doesn't typically go over very well with children who may still be be coping with the loss of their primary family unit. Young men are particularly resistant to the "new man" in the house. Girls can sometimes compete with a new wife for their father's attention. If you want to establish a bond with your step-children (and I assume that you do if you married someone with children), now is not the time to "set an example" or establish new rules that are unfamiliar to the children. Be accepting and supportive of the children and your spouse (the bio-parent). Honor the relationships that exist. Do not try to replace a parent who isn't absent, even if you think the other bio-parent isn't doing a very good job. Some factors that may impact a step-parent's relationship with their step-children are: How old was the child when you entered their life? Is the bio-mom/bio-dad still in the picture? Do the bio-parents (your spouse and the other bio-parent) co-parent agreeably or is it a higher conflict situation? Are there new siblings in the picture? Are they bio-children of both of you or are they from another relationship? How long was your new spouse single before you entered the picture? Did you know that it takes the average step-family SEVEN YEARS to integrate sufficiently to experience intimacy and authenticity in step-relationships? (Becoming a Stepfamily by Patricia Papernow) A general rule of thumb is however old the children are when you come into their lives is how many years it will take children to bond with a step-parent. If you think that there are deficiencies in your new spouse's (the bio-parent's) parenting and disciplinary strategies and techniques, you should address that with your new spouse. Most disciplining should come from the bio-parent (your spouse). Step-parenting tips and pointers: Be realistic! Just because you love your new spouse, doesn't mean your kids do (yet)! Take your cues from the children. If they welcome affection, give it, but don't force it. If they want space, respect their wishes and give it. If they follow your guidance, continue to assert your authority. If they challenge your authority, back off and deal with it through the biological parent. If the other bio-parent is in the picture, do not expect the children to call you "mom" or "dad". Think of a nickname only your step-children call you. Be patient! Don't give up! Share a story about a step-parenting strategy that worked (or didn't work)! What would you do differently, if anything?

Routine Important Urgent Crisis Emergency We've all heard the expression "failure to plan on your part doesn't constitute an emergency on my part". It's a good point. One parent may have a sense of urgency because they want the other parent to respond quickly, but in reality, the issue or question is not truly one that requires an immediate response. "Rapid response" texting or messaging is generally not a good idea in conflict situations. A good rule of thumb is to sleep on any response before sending it. Your co-parenting relationship should be viewed as a business relationship; try to take the emotion out of it. Use business etiquette and rules as a guide for what is reasonable in the context of co-parenting communications. A 24-48 hour response time is usually not unreasonable. You may check back with the co-parent politely to confirm the message was received if there has been no response after 72 hours. If you are on the receiving end of an inquiry and for whatever reason, you are not ready to respond yet, after 24-48 hours, you should respond to the co-parent acknowledging receipt of the inquiry and letting the parent know when they might expect an answer (eg: "I'll check and get back to you by the end of the day tomorrow" or "I won't know my schedule until next week; I'll let you know Monday"). What is a true emergency? Blood, guts, and hospitals. Short of that, do not cry wolf and call something an "emergency" just because you want the other parent to respond quickly. Routine matters can wait a week or more before a decision is made; important matters may need to be addressed within the week; urgent matters should be addressed within 24-72 hours; a crisis warrants a response in 24 hours; and an emergency should be addressed asap. Example of a routine matter: is your child going to sign up for a sporting team next season. Example of an important matter: the teacher assigned a project due Friday. Example of an urgent matter: the child is sick, but he/she is not going to the hospital or to see a doctor. No broken bones, no blood, no medication. Example of a crisis: the child forgot his inhaler but he/she is not currently symptomatic or sick. Example of an emergency: the child broke his/her arm during practice and is heading to the hospital. See if you can get your co-parent to agree on time frames within you will each respond for any non-emergency matter, so you both have similar expectations. Was there ever a time when you and your co-parent differed about the urgency of a situation and the appropriate response time? Describe the situation and explain your thought processes. (Picture retrieved from: http://www.lolbrary.com/Funny/Running-out-of-TP-DEFCON-levels/23996)

This is a place to share ideas, comments, and strategies about co-parenting. This is NOT a place to get or give legal advice. Many times something is happening quickly and we need need to address and resolve the issue before we could ever get something done in court (or even make an appointment with a lawyer!). This is a place you can ask questions, see how others may have dealt with similar situations, share what worked for you (and maybe what didn't!). Bounce ideas off one another. What might you do differently next time? Are you being realistic/reasonable? Might you be overreacting? Get a reality check from peers who have had similar experiences. Run something by someone before responding to the co-parent. Do not use anyone's real name (except your own, if you choose). Be aware that these posts may be re-posted on the site's social media pages. Speak real and truthfully, but always be courteous and kind.