Video and Phone Calls with Your Children in Two-Home Situations - Are They for Them or for You?

Many parents negotiate to have a mandatory daily phone or video call with their children when the children are spending time with the other parent written into their parenting plans. Military families rely on electronic means to preserve their relationships during deployments. And these measures work when parents have supportive relationships. But, in separation and divorce situations, there can be pros and cons to these daily calls.

Children do not necessarily need phone contact with the absent parent during their time with the other parent, unless it is a long-distance relationship. If children are adapting and adjusting to a two-home situation, a phone call with the absent parent may make the children's behavior regress or make them sad. Parents must put their children's needs above their own. So, even if you, as a parent, are missing your children when they are with the other parent, you must consider whether the electronic contact is helpful to them.

Forcing daily calls on children can be counter-productive to the parent's relationship with the children. The children may start dreading the calls and associate that dread with the parent who is insisting on having them.

Teenagers often do not wish to speak to the absent parent daily, especially if it is a scheduled call. Teenagers should be permitted to call and speak to the absent parent if and when they want to, for however long they wish, even if they are on a week-to-week schedule. Part of raising a kind person is to encourage the child to share fun and exciting news or events with the other parent. Remember, this works both ways, when the child is not with you as well.

Parents embroiled in contentious litigation often insist on daily electronic calls for reasons unrelated to the children. For example, they may believe that the other parent will not comply and look bad. It may be a way to harass the other parent, intrude on the other parent's time, and/or invade the other parent's privacy. A parent may believe that wanting daily contact demonstrates their interest and desire to be active in the children's lives. Keep in mind that, contrary to what parents think, a parenting coordinator, guardian ad litem, social investigator, or judge may take a parent's insistence on daily electronic contact as a sign that the parent is putting their needs ahead of the child's (absent extenuating circumstances like a long-distance parent or a parent who is rebuilding their relationship their child or children).

Tips for Successful Calls with Children:

• Do you have age and developmentally appropriate expectations for interactions during the calls? Younger children (under 8) often do not have the attention-span for a lengthy call. Daily calls should be no longer than 10-15 minutes for any age. Shorter is usually better (for the child).

• For younger children, make the daily call a part of either their morning or evening routine. For example, take a bath, brush your teeth, read a book, call the other parent, go to sleep. The nighttime call can be as short as it takes to say "I love you, I'll see you soon, good night." Morning calls on the way to school are good because you have a captive audience (in a car seat) for a limited time (the time it takes to get to school).

• Let teenagers decide when and how long they wish to talk to the other parent. Remember that not hearing from a teenager does not mean that they do not love you or they are not thinking about you, they are just busy!

• If children are engaged in extracurricular activities, you have the opportunity to say hello to them on days that they are not spending time with you. On those days, a phone/video call is not necessary.

Rest assured that your child knows and loves you as their parent. They do not need daily reminders of that. A child's bond and love for a parent is not related to the amount of time they spend in each parent's home. Your child will not love you more because you have a 50/50 timesharing schedule than he/she would if you have the minority in a 40/60 timesharing schedule. It just does not matter as much to them as it does to you. Let them enjoy their time at the other parent's home. Even if the other parent does not reciprocate, your children will remember feeling less stress and pressure from you about the expectations of them if you are more flexible about your communication with them when they are with the other parent. That can directly impact the quality of your relationship with your children!