The old adage "sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me" helps teach kids resilience and build their self-esteem. It is a good lesson when the hurtful words are coming from peers or people outside the child's home. In a climate where people are often told they should not say what they think for fear of hurting someone else's feelings, we need to be reminded that a stranger should not be able to hurt our feelings (why give them that kind of power over you?). After all, why do you care about what someone you do not know and respect thinks? But when hurtful words come from a beloved caregiver, they can do serious damage to a child's self-esteem.
Here are some thoughts a parent or caregiver should consider before verbally correcting a child:
Is it necessary? If not, reconsider the message.
Am I angry? If so, pause until you are not (unless there is an immediate safety concern).
Is it constructive/instructive?
Are there words I shouldn't use in the message (name-calling, like "stupid", or even "what were you thinking?", if said in an exasperated or frustrated tone). If so, pause and reconsider the words being used.
What is my tone? Do I sound angry, frustrated, exasperated, disgusted, short-tempered? If so, pause until you can have a more neutral tone.
If the message is constructive/instructive, is the child of sufficient intelligence, development, and emotional maturity to receive the message, or will it be over their head?
Do I also give the child positive verbal feedback, or do I mostly correct?
No parent is perfect. If you do lose your temper with your child, or say something you regret later, model contrition; recognize fault, accept blame, apologize, and reinforce your love and positive regard for your child.
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